Double Standards
by jowx97
Summary: Unconditional loyalty to some, unforgiving coldness to others; he was full of ridiculous double-standards. An OC's impressions of Sirius Black over the years. More info after the somewhat melodramatic prologue. My first HP story, feedback appreciated.
1. Prologue

She felt a cold close to numbness, like she was being pressed upon by a thousand dementors as she read through the Prophet article again. She was growing aware that she already knew it off by heart, but was also unable to conceive of doing anything else because that would mean accepting what the article said. And she couldn't accept it; wouldn't accept that he was really dead. Hadn't she endured enough pain at his hands? Weren't they ever allowed to just be happy?

Of course _now_ the Ministry were willing to admit they'd been wrong – that, actually, He Who Must Not Be Named was back after all – and, on a more minor note, Sirius Black had been innocent all along and had spent those twelve years wasting away in Azkaban for nothing, and the fact that he'd been forced into hiding for the rest of his life was completely unnecessary. Yes, it was all well and good for the Ministry to be apologising about it _now_, she thought to herself bitterly, but ultimately what was done was done; he was dead, and he wasn't coming back.

Astra Tallis pushed back her dark hair, tilted her head back in her desk chair and took a sharp breath, her pained eyes tightly shut. He was gone. Without so much as a goodbye; not that she could blame him.

The more she thought about it, in fact, the more typical leaving so unexpectedly seemed of him; he had never been the most conventional person on Earth. It was what had endeared her to him and, she noted with a wry smile playing around her lips as she opened her eyes and stared at the blank ceiling above her, it was why she had loved him. It was probably the reason it hurt so much – when she'd woken up it had felt like a normal day; there was nothing to suggest that anything had changed, that someone was gone forever.

She hated that her love had not been enough to at least let her know something had happened, that despite everything they'd shared she still had to find out about his death from a cold, impersonal newspaper article, with that small photograph of him; the one that had been released on his escape from Azkaban, forcing her to endure his sunken, haunted features.

Sighing, she leaned over to a wooden cupboard and took out an old heirloom - her grandad's pensieve. She was a healer, and she knew full well the stages of grief and loss - had witnessed them amongst countless families, had indeed been subject to them herself on several occasions.

She was vaguely aware of the fact that she may well have some visitors today - those who remained of the old crowd to express and share their sentiments of grief with her; perhaps someone would explain how it had happened, as the Prophet had been scarce on details. She knew she would not be able to cope with those conversations yet though, and although she knew that one couldn't force themselves through the stages of grief superficially, she could certainly get the ball-rolling.

Because then, maybe, hopefully, she'd start to feel a bit better; a bit less like her heart was about to give way, or like her head was going to explode from the sharp stabbing pain behind her eyes, perhaps she would be rid of that sick, empty feeling already pervading her every breath as though she would never feel right again.

And so, knowing full well what she was doing, she brought her wand to her temple again and again, until the pensieve was brimming with that swirling mass of silvery, intangible thought.

It had not been so long ago she had laughingly relived and recounted these memories with Sirius himself.

She dipped the willow and unicorn hair wand into the bowl and waited; what better way to experience the stage of denial, Astra reasoned, than to wallow in her memories? Because there, of course, the man in question was still very much alive.


	2. On the Hogwarts Express

**A very long introductory A/N: Right, so this is my first foray into writing Harry Potter fan fiction, so I hope it's okay! Any reviews or feedback - positive or negative - would be wonderful. Anyway, about this story: the memories will be written with normal third person narrative, as I felt having to write-in grown-up Astra watching it all might be a bit distracting. As well as these memories (of which there will be quite a few if all goes as planned) there will be stuff in the "present" and "future" so-to-speak, showing how Astra and Sirius' other friends are coping in the years after his death as well as during and after the war - obviously the books were about Harry, and thus I thought it would be interesting to see in-depth how the other characters, Lupin for example, were managing. The chapters won't necessarily be this long again - there'll be random drabbles as well, and potentially a song-fic or two. There's a possibility you'll find this too focussed on Astra and her background, but I decided I wanted an actual character to explore Sirius through and do justice to him, not just some random Mary-Sue - as such she needs a story, a personality etc so yes - she is a character. Oh, and although obviously there is an OC and her family, the story as a whole will be canon-compliant. That's about it really - I'll do my best to update as often as I can although I should warn you from the off-set that there maybe long, update-free periods (if you are here to rage at me due to lack of updates in another one of my stories, I will shortly be posting up an explanation and can only hope you accept my apologies). Right, so - here we go, and if you have the time I would love to hear your thoughts. I hope I've done justice to the characters we all love so much.**

**Oh right, and a disclaimer, and I'll only write it once so make sure you understand: I don't own any of this universe, or any of the characters in it except for - obviously - Astra and her family. If I did, Sirius, Fred, Lupin and Tonks would defs all still be alive. And maybe even Snape... Ooh and Dobby.**

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Jack and Farah Tallis led their daughter through the ticket barrier onto the hidden platform, both the little girl and her mother finally unscrunching their nervous faces – both had been convinced they would crash into the wall - and now looking somewhat awestruck. Jack, meanwhile, had a nostalgic, somewhat wistful smile on his face as his ivy green eyes took in the bustling crowd and the great scarlet engine in front of them. He then glanced at his wife and daughter and grinned at their identical expressions of wonderment, before noting the time on the golden watch which adorned his wrist. "Right, the train leaves in fifteen minutes so you probably ought to get on soon if you want a good seat."

His daughter was frowning slightly at this, and made no move towards the train.

"Astra?" Jack Tallis crouched down on his spindly legs and met his daughter's eyes with a twinkle in his own, his hand squeezing her shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting gesture – eleven years of parenthood, and he still felt out of his depth most of the time.

"I don't want to go", the girl's bright green eyes, so similar to her father's, were glazing with tears.

Jack's knowing grin up to his wife was so brief, Farah was never quite sure it had happened – she herself was biting her lip, nervously. Perhaps this wasn't such a good idea; perhaps Astra would do better at a muggle school.

Jack was voicing exactly the same thought, to Farah's relief, although he was extremely doubtful of such a plan ever being successful – Astra's uncontrolled magic had never gotten too outrageous at school, true, but there had certainly been incidents enough to raise eyebrows amongst the muggles – "If you really don't want to go, you don't have to – we're not going to force you. We want whatever you want. You can always carry on at the local comprehensive with Briony and Eva?"

Yes, thought Farah, obstinately; the idea of her only daughter leaving the realms of the only world she truly understood was slightly too much for her. She loved Jack a stupid amount, and his being a wizard didn't change that – but as soon as Astra had got her letter from Hogwarts, it was like her daughter was being unceremoniously stolen from her, something she wasn't sure she could take. They were still struggling to cope with having their young son cruelly snatched away, and although it was completely different – Farah knew that death and going to magical boarding school were hardly in the same boat – it still felt horribly familiar. But then she looked down at her daughter's face, gazing longingly at the huge steam train, and couldn't help but smile back at her husband – he was right; if Astra was happy, then so were they. And it looked as though their daughter would be more than happy to go to Hogwarts.

Farah crouched down next to her husband, a familiar blush creeping into her cheeks as her knee bumped against his and she felt his eyes on her – it didn't matter how long she'd known him, with Jack Tallis she always felt like a teenager in love. She smoothed Astra's dark, wavy hair; the exact image of her own and spoke in a soothing voice, "Only, it did seem like you were very excited to go to Hogwarts and learn to use magic when you got the letter. And when we were buying all your new school stuff you seemed so happy, and you said you were so pleased that you were going to be just like your dad."

Astra giggled embarrassedly as her dad's eyes widened – "Astra, you never told me all this! Not that I'm surprised, of course", he added with a wink, "How could you not want to be exactly like me?" He spoke in a purposefully carrying whisper, "I think everyone knows I'm the more _hip_ parent."

"Eurgh, dad – don't use words like 'hip'! You're way too old for that", his daughter scowled at him, eyes no longer full of tears but still a bit red. Before Jack could launch into a mock-speech about how offended he was, and how he bloody well was hip, not to mention young (which would have led to Farah laughing and hitting him playfully on the arm for using the word 'bloody' in front of their daughter, no matter how many times she'd heard it now), Astra continued, "Besides, I don't want to be _exactly_ like you. I want to be a healer."

Jack and Farah exchanged a sad glance, all too aware of their daughter's reasoning for wishing to be a healer. Refusing to get upset about the matter right now, Jack continued, "Well, sweetheart, if you want to be a healer you will sort of have to go to Hogwarts, which preferably means getting on the train within", he checked his watch again, "ten minutes."

Astra looked at her feet, and said in a small voice, "I do want to go. But I don't want to leave you both. Not so soon after-", but she broke off, tears more resolutely glistening in those green orbs this time, and both her parents couldn't help but feel she was far too young to be having to worry about these things. Farah too looked liked she was about to cry, while Jack suddenly found it very difficult to form words.

Eventually he said, "We'll be okay, Astra. I can't promise we'll be fine, but we have to keep going. I don't reckon Peter would've wanted us to sit around moping all the time, do you?" He sighed and shut his eyes for a second, before opening them and smiling at his little girl. "Stop worrying about us and go and fulfil your potential; go and _enjoy_ yourself – Merlin knows you deserve to."

Astra grinned through her tears at her dad's offhand use of the name "Merlin", realising she'd have to get use to that sort of thing now, before giving both of her parents a tight hug, and whispering surprisingly emotional, "I love you"s before lifting her trunk off the trolley and dragging it along the ground towards the train as she smiled at them.

"Write to us when you know what house you're in! We'll write to you every week."

"Twice every week", Farah corrected her husband with a smile.

Astra rolled her eyes with a grin, and shouted one final goodbye before getting on the train – she looked out of the window to see her parents smiling sadly and then taking each other's hands, highlighting the contrast between Jack's creamy white skin against Farah's golden brown, the resultant mix being Astra's own olive skin. Smiling, and knowing her parents would be okay, she began to determinedly drag the heavy trunk through the crowded carriage. After passing busy compartments of loudly chattering and laughing older students, she had to stop to rest her already aching arms. The next compartment looked to be empty, and she just about managed to drag her trunk inside, but was unable to lift it onto the luggage rack. Struggling and wincing, she had twice dropped the trunk on her right foot when a pale boy with bags under his eyes and mousy brown hair peered in, and smiled mildly, "Do you need a hand?"

Nodding gratefully, the pair of them managed to lift the trunk onto the rack, before another boy – short, with beady eyes – looked in, grinning slightly nervously, "Wondered where you'd got to, Remus! I told James and Sirius I'd seen you but will they believe me until they've seen you themselves?"

The boy called Remus' eyes widened momentarily, and in retrospect Astra couldn't help but think that his expression radiated a thrill at the idea of having friends waiting for him; he merely chuckled in response to Peter, however; "Of course not. Well, let's get going then; wouldn't want to keep their royal highnesses waiting. I was just helping out, er-?"

"Astra", she spoke, hurriedly, "Astra Tallis. Thanks so much for your help! It was nice to meet you – Remus?"

The boy nodded, "Remus Lupin", and then glanced over at his friend, "And this is Peter-", and if either of the boys noticed her tense slightly at the name Peter, both of them were kind enough not to mention it, "-Pettigrew. We're both second year Gryffindors", he said with a discernibly proud note in his voice.

Peter looked at her inquisitively, speaking in an oddly squeaky voice which was definitely nervous, "I'm guessing you're a f-first year?"

She nodded, at the same time starting slightly as the train began to move. This was it.

"I'm sure you'll be fine", smiled Remus, warmly, apparently finding some worried apprehension in her expression.

As they nodded their goodbyes, the two boys walked out, leaving Astra to sit down and stare out of the windows. Within a minute or so a round-faced, nervous looking girl with dark hair appeared at the door, clutching a basket which – judging by the bright yellow eyes staring out from it – contained a cat.

"Can I-?" The girl gestured at the seat opposite Astra hesitantly.

"Of course!" Astra nodded enthusiastically, and after a minute or so of slightly sheepish small-talk, the pair were soon deep in conversation. The girl – who was a fellow first-year – was called Alice and she had been sat with her elder cousin and his friends, but had found them impossibly loud and so she had walked out in search of peace and better company. She was just informing Astra that both her parents had been to Hogwarts and had absolutely loved it, when the door slid open again to reveal a haughty looking blonde girl and her auburn-haired companion, both with expressions of contempt plastered on their faces – Astra would perhaps have been affronted, if it did not seem as though these were their normal expressions.

"Did you say all your family's been to Hogwarts? Well, that's reassuring", the blonde girl sat down, eyeing Alice in an appraising manner, "I was getting worried about the sort of people they'd be letting in. Good to know there'll be some other first years of decent stock."

Sniggering, her auburn-haired friend spoke, "You won't _believe_ what happened in the compartment we were just in – there was a _mudblood_. Don't know how we didn't spot it earlier; he was stinking out the place." Both of the girls scrunched up their noses, leaving Astra looking confused but Alice looking outraged.

Before Alice or Astra could get a word in, however, the blonde-haired girl was speaking again, "Anyway, I'm Hester Greengrass and this is Arabella Rantzen. You are?"

"Alice Goodwin", said Alice, stiffly, which surprised Astra as the girl – although nervous – had seemed incredibly friendly before.

"Er, Astra Tallis", Astra said, somewhat confused as to what was going on.

"Tallis – that's a wizarding surname too, I think", the girl called Hester was looking with relief at her friend Arabella, who nodded. "So you're pureblood too?" She appeared to be smiling, but privately Astra thought it did nothing to improve her bony features.

Astra wasn't really sure what that meant – what was the difference between a pureblood and a mudblood? "Well, my dad's a wizard, if that's what you mean. But my mum's a muggle." Astra frowned - as far as she was aware, there was nothing wrong with having a muggle for a parent – her dad clearly didn't have a problem with it, and all her parents' friends from the wizarding world seemed to love Farah as much as they did Jack – however, judging by the reactions of the two new girls, there clearly was a problem here.

Arabella looked disgusted, while Hester made some clucking, patronising noises which were presumably meant to be sympathetic.

"There's nothing wrong with not being pureblood", Alice snarled her expression suddenly extremely dark. "It's people thinking like that who cause trouble – that monster, _You Know Who. _That's what _his_ lot believe in." Astra did not know a lot about You Know Who, but she did know he was a very dark wizard who her parents seemed to equally loath and fear.

"And so what if he does?" Retorted Hester, unflinchingly, "Perhaps the Dark Lord's got the right idea."

"You're sick", spat Alice.

Before the tense conversation could continue, however, the door slid open again, and two dark-haired boys ran in, hastily shutting the door behind them panting and laughing.

"Do you reckon", the boy with glasses gasped, struggling to speak he was laughing so much, "They knew it was us?"

The slightly taller boy next to him spluttered, "With the size of Snivellus' greasy nose? He's bound to have sniffed us out." Whoever or whatever Snivellus was seemed to set the boys off laughing again, and they crumpled on the floor, tears streaming down their faces.

The door opened again, and for a moment the boys looked up, the one with glasses looking slightly aghast, whereas the boy with grey-blue eyes looked somewhat defiant – this was until they realised who was at the door, and began roaring again.

Remus and Peter closed the door behind them, and surveyed the pair for a moment.

"Chucking dung-bombs at him, I ask you?" sighed Remus, in a chastising tone which did not quite match his concerned but amused expression, "Where's the subtlety?" The boys on the floor continued guffawing.

Peter meanwhile was looking at the boys with intent admiration, although his eyes kept twitching towards the door, as though concerned that whoever Snivellus was would be seeking revenge for the dung-bombs incident.

"Oh, give it a _rest_; Pete", said the boy with grey eyes, sitting up at last, joined almost immediately by the boy in glasses. "I'm sure Evans isn't gonna let Snivelly do a thing to us while we're in a compartment full of innocent first years!"

Grinning, the boys all casually got into the remaining seats in the compartment, muttering to each other as though sitting with a group of complete strangers who seemed to have been incongruously tense was nothing of particular consequence. Remus gave Astra a nod and slight smile of acknowledgement.

"Er, what-?" Alice had begun, clearly confused as to who Snivellus was, and why these older boys were now sitting with them, but Hester too had started speaking, and with far more conviction, eyeing the boy with grey eyes with a smile playing around her lips.

"You're Sirius Black", she stated.

The boy in glasses sniggered, while the boy who was apparently called Sirius ran a hand through his floppy dark hair, a slight smile laced with arrogance filling his face, "Erm yeah, that's me."

"Hester Greengrass – you probably don't remember me, of course; it has been quite some time. My family always used to come to your house for meals, I remember your mother was a charming woman – I trust she's well?"

Sirius' grey eyes had clouded over as though in a storm at the mention of his mother, although at the time Astra was not quite sure why. He spoke, shortly, and his voice was no longer full of exuberant laughter, "You're right; I don't remember you."

If she was taken aback, Hester did not show it, as she carried on speaking loftily, "Well, I'm sure we'll have plenty of time to get reacquainted." There was a nasty smirk on her curled lips, "Us lot have got to stick together, you know; especially when there's such filth about."

There was a tense silence. Astra, like Hester and her friend Arabella, misinterpreted the boys' looks of disgust, coming to the conclusion that Astra was about to become ostracised because of her apparently unacceptable parentage.

Sirius spoke slowly, eyes still ablaze, "What, exactly, do you mean?" His friends too were glowering, the boy with glasses looking ready to hurt someone, Peter shaking slightly, while Remus – although angry – looked a bit worried too.

Hester nodded her head towards Astra, that horrible smirk still plastered on her pale face, "That one. She's a half-blood."

Sirius looked briefly at Astra, who was determinedly looking at the floor, shaking ever-so-slightly but refusing to start crying because of something so petty. He then turned to his bespectacled friend, speaking with a strange calmness, as though discussing the weather, "James, did I just hear that right?"

The boy named James, whose knuckles were now white, met Sirius' eyes, "You know what Sirius, I'm pretty sure you _did_ hear that right."

Arabella smirked, assuming the boys were just as disgusted as they were by this filthy half-blood girl. "Can you _imagine_ having a muggle for a mother? And to think, I thought this one smelt decent."

In the blink of an eye both boys had withdrawn their wands, and Astra flinched, now close to tears despite herself – offensive as they clearly found her presence, surely threatening her or, even worse, actually attacking her, was a bit much?

"Get out", the two boys spoke simultaneously with a threatening edge to their voices, and just as Astra made to hastily get-up, she realised that they were not talking to her at all, but rather to Hester and Arabella.

Both girls looked taken aback, Hester beginning to query what was going on in a far-less confident voice, "What-?"

"How can you not realise blood means nothing?" James spat.

"It's who you are that matters", put in Peter, squeakily.

"And frankly if this is what you're like, no wonder I forgot you", Sirius growled in a vicious tone, "As a rule of thumb, I try to block-out prats like you."

Hester frowned, beginning to speak, "I just thought that-"

"That what?" Sirius snarled, "I'd be just like our ridiculous, bigoted families? No chance."

Remus then spoke quietly, but his voice was surprisingly sharp, "It's probably for the best if you leave. You're not the sort of company we enjoy frequenting."

Looking sheepish Hester and Arabella got up and walked away, murmuring faint apologies and avoiding eye-contact with the boys, but still managing to glare at Astra, who had by this point looked up in astonishment.

As the door slid shut, paving the way for silence, the boy called Sirius placed his hands behind his head with a cool smile as though nothing had happened, while James grinned, pushing his messy hair from his eyes, before turning to Astra and raising his eyebrows with a warm smile, "You alright?"

Astra managed a strained smile – she was relieved, and grateful, but still a bit shaken, "Thanks, I just – I mean, I guess I should've realised – it just never really occurred to me that it made a difference if you weren't pureblood."

And while it seemed that everyone in the room was about to say something, it was Sirius who captured her green gaze with his own steely eyes and said in a stern voice, "Don't let me hear you talking like that again; it makes no difference whatsoever."

"Yeah", put in James with a cheeky smirk, "The only purebloods who care about that stuff are insane anyway – probably a result of being so inbred."

Sirius looked over at his friend, chuckling but also hitting him lightly on the arm – unbeknownst to Astra at this point was the fact that if there was anyone in this compartment whose family was beginning to borderline on inbred, it was Sirius'.

Alice was just about to say something when the door slid open yet again, and a girl with fiery red hair and eyes a slightly darker, more vivid emerald than Astra's own leafy green stood, arms crossed, with a similarly peeved looking boy next to her with unkempt – though not with the same air of nonchalance of Sirius and James' - black hair, dark eyes and a rather large, hooked nose.

Their appearance caused James and Sirius to plaster innocent expressions on their faces while Pettigrew's eyes had widened whilst he chewed his lip worriedly – Remus meanwhile was looking at his shoes with a newfound interest, a blush creeping up his cheeks.

"Evans", began James conversationally, "What brings you here?"

"Don't play innocent with me, Potter; I know it was you and that idiot friend of yours", she glared, allowing Sirius sufficient time to look offended, "And you can stop pretending you have no idea what I'm talking about, Remus", she scoffed incredulously, "Good effort on trying to stop them".

The boy with the large nose's lip curled and he muttered something to the girl, causing her to grin.

"Oi Snivelly, what's so funny?" demanded James.

"Nothing that concerns _you_, Potter, and _don't_ call him that", the girl snapped, before turning to Alice and Astra in a suddenly sweet, warm voice, "Girls, you wouldn't mind moving to another compartment would you?"

The boy whose real name Astra realised could not actually be Snivellus, added, with a sneer, "Yes, it seems that Potter and his gang are so gutless they have to resort to hiding with first years to try and avoid the consequences of their childish actions."

James immediately yelled an outraged retort, leading to a shouting match between everyone in the compartment except for the two bemused first year girls. Indeed, as the argument continued, Alice and Astra crept out of the compartment, unnoticed by anyone except Sirius who was pretending to listen patiently to the red-headed girl's explanation as to exactly why he was a spineless dolt, and upon seeing Astra's amused expression his eyes twinkled playfully and he gave her a quick wink. She had smiled back and mouthed, "Good luck", before heading to a new compartment where they met several other excited first years and forgot all about the drama they had left behind, save for the sound of an explosion and an incensed roar – it seemed one of the boys had set off another dung-bomb.

That was the first time she had met Sirius Black.


	3. Nifflers and Nimbuses

**A/N: Thanks so much if you've made this a favourite or added it to your alerts, it's really nice to know people are enjoying it - of course, if you wanted to communicate your sentiments verbally through - I don't know - a review, maybe? That would be nice too haha. Anyway I'm feeling a bit uneasy about this chapter... It's actually fairly sparse in Sirius himself, but I quite liked the idea of looking at the James/Sirius dynamic. I don't know, tell me what you think. Also, from here on I've got a couple chapters written-up already, but before I put them up I wanted input: do you like random snapshots i.e. after this chapter, a story from when they're older, then after that another one when they're young, OR would you prefer it to be entirely chronological? Please do let me know, and I hope this chapter is at least readable... Thanks! **

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It was a bright Tuesday evening and the late spring light was pouring through the windows of Gryffindor Tower, pooling it in gold. James Potter – fifth year quidditch captain – and his best friend, the much-coveted Sirius Black (James would be much coveted too but he had long-ago made it clear he was only interested in the feisty Lily Evans) were not soothed by this lovely weather however, and were instead having a loud argument.

Their latest attempt at a prank – as they told it, trying to steal a Niffler to chuck on Snivellus, who was so shiny the Niffler was bound to get confused and attack the greasy git – had been discovered by Professor Kettleburn, who had reported it to Professor McGonagall. However, they had only caught Sirius, as James had somehow disappeared in the nick of time – later, Astra would discover the existence of his invisibility cloak – and thus without proof, McGonagall could not out rightly punish Potter too, even though she had enough experience to know that both of them must have been involved.

So instead, on top of a week of detentions, she had banned Black from playing quidditch for the rest of the school year – something that pained her with the upcoming final versus Slytherin, but it was the only way she could effectively punish the pair.

And so it was that James Potter was yelling at Sirius Black, because even though everyone knew that Black wasn't half the quidditch player James was, with under a month left until the cup final against the very tough Slytherin team this was a setback the first-time captain really didn't need. But Sirius in turn was just as adamant to blame Potter, because if he hadn't "disappeared" then McGonagall would've just given them both detentions and let Sirius stay on the team.

James was pacing up and down now, muttering in frustration, "This is ridiculous! How am I supposed to find someone to replace you at such short notice? I mean we're meant to be having a practise tonight but… Brown's off with dragon-pox and he's the only semi-decent potential chaser in Gryffindor. I s'pose we could get Smith in as chaser and try to find a new beater instead, but she works really well with Crompton, and you don't want to upset decent chemistry between your beaters if you can avoid it. Then again maybe the team needs a bit of a mix-up to keep things lively – maybe this was a good thing…"

Sirius, meanwhile, looked bored, although there was a definite tinge of annoyance clouding his eyes – the thought of being replaced, though necessary, was not exactly pleasant.

He then glanced up at the clock on the wall and said, in a haughty tone, "Right, well, much as I'd love to hear more about how great it is that I've been chucked off the team, I said I'd meet Nicole before I went to my detention."

Nicole, a pretty Hufflepuff fifth year with silvery blonde curls, was his current girlfriend – not that he kept them long, as he was far more interested in his friends than in girls. Everyone knew that when Sirius said he was going to 'meet' Nicole, what he actually meant was that he was going to have a stupidly long snogging session with her - snogging was widely considered to be the main reason Sirius Black had so far bothered with girlfriends, not that the girls of Hogwarts objected because - well, it was Sirius Black.

A few more tense words were exchanged between the aggravated best friends before Sirius strode out of the portrait hole, but by that point fourth year Astra Tallis, sat by the fireplace, had gone back to slugging her way through her essay for potions – at the mention of Nicole, she had lost interest.

Not that she had any particularly high hopes for herself and the effortlessly elegant Sirius Black – indeed, she had hardly spoken a word to him since that first day on the train. True, Astra had not really spoken that much with any of the four boys who had aided her on the train that first day - they were an extremely close-knit group, and whilst they were generally sociable, they always seemed to be preoccupied with some sort of inside-jokes, and recently were often nowhere to be seen- but with that said, she was still on friendly enough terms with Remus.

Indeed, she could always expect a warm smile of acknowledgement from Peter and James too (although she liked Peter slightly less than the others, if through no fault of his own; she just didn't like that he was called Peter, but he was not _her_ Peter – this grown-boy had nothing to do with her dead younger brother, and she couldn't help but feel slight resent towards Pettigrew as a result of that).

But the one boy from this group who didn't acknowledge her was the one who; if she was honest with herself she – along with just about every other girl at Hogwarts – had a thing for.

She sighed, cursing under her breath as she scratched out the last sentence for what felt like the hundredth time that night – she kept calculating the amount of Murtlap essence needed for the potion incorrectly. When it came to actually brewing potions, whether from instructions or from instinct, she was actually fairly good; however, she was extremely slow when it came to calculating the correct measurements and amounts, but she had to persevere, had to set a good foundation this year for next year's OWL, because she had to get a NEWT in potions to be a healer.

And thus she trawled onwards, now attempting desperately to work out just how many lace-fly wings would be necessary to turn the potion she was writing about the right shade of blue.

This was why, even if she was Sirius Black's ideal girl in all respects (and she highly doubted this), she would never expect anything to happen – she was far too focussed on her schoolwork to let a fleeting crush distract her, besides which she was fairly certain that Sirius Black had not once noticed her since she had been sorted into Gryffindor on that first night. On top of being fairly shy, she had almost immediately immersed herself in work and was more often than not hidden behind a book.

Alice, who had fast become her best friend, often teased her that she ought to have been in Ravenclaw the amount of work she put in, and truth be told the Sorting Hat had been considering it, before it decided that she would work hard regardless of what house she was in, but there was a streak of bravery and nerve within her that being in Gryffindor would help to develop. She was not effortlessly clever like the Ravenclaws either – she spent her time behind books because she had to. Needless to say, when Jack Tallis had heard his daughter had been sorted into Gryffindor – his old house - he had been ecstatic.

Just as she thought she had finally calculated the right amount and moved to open her textbook to check, she heard James Potter swearing – he had been hurriedly sketching out a new quidditch formation on a piece of parchment, but apparently it was no good, and he crushed the parchment into a ball.

"Oh thanks, Potter – I'll just clear up after you then shall I?" Asked an indignant seventh year upon whose desk James had flung the ball of parchment. James shrugged, and murmured an apology before pacing up and down again until Remus and Peter, having finished their revision for the moment, came to join him and discuss matters.

Astra continued to skim through her book, hardly noticing the incredulous seventh year misaiming his toss of James' scrap of parchment into the fireplace, until she glanced up and caught it, barely paying attention as she flung it straight into the fire, eyes still focussed on her book, frowning slightly. As such she was not at all prepared to find James Potter stood in front of her, gaping.

She managed a small, confused smile, although she really _did_ need to get this essay finished, "Uh, hey Jam-"

"Astra, are you any good on a broomstick?" He asked, bluntly.

She blushed, eyes refusing to meet James' as she began, "Well, er, I mean, I can-"

"She's not a natural by any means, but she can fly decently enough if she's confident about it, but she's quite cautious and slow", stated Alice, who was sat nearby, smirking when Astra glared at her.

James Potter heaved a sigh of relief, as though he'd been expecting far worse, "Great, no, that's fine." He looked over to Remus and Peter, yelling with a grin, "And Gryffindor have their new chaser!"

He then looked at Astra again, and misinterpreted her expression, speaking in a placating voice, "Don't worry; we've got a month to integrate you into the team, it should be fine. Thank Merlin! Anyway, come on; it's time for practise."

Astra did not get up, and instead began to peruse her potions book again, while mumbling in a sheepish tone, "It's really nice of you, but I can't."

"No, really, it doesn't matter if you're not that great at flying, as long as you can stay on your broom and work the quaffle like you did that bit of parchm-"

"James, I'm sorry – I can't be on the team", she stated, looking up this time, speaking in a startlingly confrontational tone considering her normally shy demeanour – indeed, James raised his eyebrows in surprise. "I really don't have enough time; I need to get good grades but I'm really slow when it comes to potions, and when I'm not working I'm helping out in the hospital wing. I've just got too much work-"

"Work?" James groaned, looking appalled. "Tallis, you're only in fourth year it's not like it matters—er, _but_", he added hurriedly, spotting her defiant look, "If it means that much to you one of us could help you out with potions so you can spend enough time on everything else and still have time to be on the team?" He glanced around and then a lopsided smirk appeared on his face, "Evans can help you with potions, she's joint best in the year."

The red-headed girl in question was glaring at him with as much vigour as he was smirking, "Potter, you can't just volunteer me-"

"Come on, Evans; I know you want us to beat Slytherin! Plus," he added, in a slightly deeper, adult voice, "It'll be good revision of fourth year potions for the OWL…"

Lily sighed melodramatically, though a smile definitely twitched on her lips, "Oh all right, I s'pose I can help you out. I'm sure Sev' will be up for helping too."

James scowled slightly but said nothing, instead looking hopefully down at Astra with some newly-found puppy dog eyes, "See; now you're sorted! _Please_; it'll only be for this match and then Sirius'll be allowed to play again, even though Milne's leaving this year so there'll be a space for a chaser, but if you _really_ don't want to do it again next year, hopefully there'll be some fresh talent. Go on, we can't lose to _Slytherin._"

Astra gave-up, smiling in exasperation, "All right then, _but-", _she added pointedly, before James got too into his celebratory war dance, "I don't actually have a broom."

There was a slight hesitation visible on James' face, though no interruption to his boisterous dance, as he replied, "That's fine – bet Sirius won't mind you using his one until you get your own, I'll go and get it."

And before she could say another word in protest, because surely Sirius Black _would_ mind, James Potter was running up the stairs to the boy's dormitories. Astra tried to avoid Alice's smug expression, because Alice alone knew just how squirmy the proposition of riding Sirius Black's broom would make her. It felt like a snitch was zooming around in her stomach; exciting but also nerve-wracking because while such intimate contact with an item belonging to Sirius Black was certainly a pleasing idea, she couldn't imagine that Black would be too happy having his replacement chaser (whose ability to fly was questionable) using his broom.

James was bounding down the staircase again with a sleek, ebony broomstick slung-over one shoulder, whilst his hand tucked away what appeared to be a mirror into his left pocket; at the time Astra had considered that perhaps the rumours of James Potter's vanity were not entirely unfounded.

"Are you sure he won't mi-?"

Potter grinned and replied firmly, "He's fine with it."

There was no point in asking how James knew this as they walked out of the common room – Potter and Black had always seemed eerily telepathic, and if there was anyone for whom Black would lend his possessions to complete strangers, even if he was currently arguing with him, it was James Potter; his best friend. With little else to say, the pair strolled down to the quidditch pitch in silence, James whistling to himself, Black's broomstick still carelessly strewn over his shoulder.

"It must be a pain, losing one of your chasers right before the final", Astra blurted, feeling far less at ease with the silence than Potter appeared to be.

James appeared to ponder this for a moment before replying, slowly, "It's annoying losing a chaser, yeah; but it's sort of more than that. I mean, don't tell Sirius I said any of this," he locked eyes with her in assurance, before continuing in an undertone, "He's not that great a player by himself - in the trials, Brown _was_ probably better than him. But together, me and him, we play incredibly – well, you've seen us."

He casually ran a hand through his already dishevelled hair and grinned nonchalantly as a group of Ravenclaw girls walked past, giggling and nudging each other.

"It's great having your best friend up there playing with you – nothing like it. And what with Pete being afraid of heights and Remus always being-", he coughed suddenly, now speaking hurriedly, "Well, I mean, he's ill a lot of the time and, er, he never really has the time, especially with prefect duties and everything."

He paused once more looking thoughtful, "So, er, yeah, playing the final without him's not really gonna be the same, not just because we've lost one our chasers, but… it's nice flying knowing there's someone up there with you who'll always have your back. And also, he's the only one who's honest with me about whether I'm being a prat."

They had reached the changing rooms, and for a moment James looked quite startled at his own ability to be sensitive, before hurriedly handing her the broomstick and wandering off, muttering about seeking some spare robes that might fit his new chaser.

Astra bit her lower lip slightly as she stared down at the dark broomstick handle she now found placed firmly in her hand. Thinking over his words, Astra got the impression that there were very few people about whom James Potter would speak like that, with such sincerity, and that regardless of what he said the friendship went beyond the mere nicety of having a good friend on the team with him - what he and Sirius Black had, it didn't _just_ seem like a deep friendship, it was like a brotherhood.

She was startled out of her thoughts by the appearance of scarlet quidditch robes being thrust into her arms – "They should fit you, might be a bit baggy but we can always shrink them so they fit you properly after today."

Astra was about to say her thanks when gangly seventh year Grace Milne strode past, groaning as she saw her, "I thought Black being chucked-off was just a bad rumour; typical, putting a stupid prank over the rest of the team."

"It's my fault as much as it is his, so there'll be less of that, Milne", snapped James in an uncharacteristically harsh tone.

"Alright, I was just saying!" she retorted, hands raised in a gesture of innocence, "Anyway, I trust your judgement, Potter, so I'm sure this one will be good." She nodded at Astra with an alarmingly stern expression before going to get changed.

Astra was about to join her, but found that James was blocking her path, a reassuring and grateful smile on his face.

"Thanks for doing this. Don't worry; you'll be fine. Crompton and Smith are good enough that you don't need to worry about the bludgers, and me and Milne will be right there with you." He looked about to walk away, before thoughtfully adding, in an off-hand tone, "Oh, and, er, when Evans is tutoring you…"

"…Yeah?"

"Do us a favour and put in a good word for your captain?"


	4. Career Quandaries

**A/N: Thanks if you're adding this to your favourites or alerts, it does mean a lot to me (but if you could find the time just write a little bit about what you think , even if it's just abuse, then I would be very grateful too). Thank you for reading! Any requests for particular memories you'd like to see?**

* * *

"So what was it like?"

"You know, the usual."

"Th-the usual? How often do _you_ discuss your NEWT options and future with M-McGonagall?"

"For Merlin's sake, Peter, d'you have to take _everything_ so literally?"

As alphabetical order would have it, Sirius Black was the first of the four friends to have his careers talk, and it was as such that he was filling-in the eager remaining three in the bustling Gryffindor common room.

"Pete, shut up and let him tell us what it was like."

"I w-, I was just _saying_."

"And I'm _just saying_ it wasn't that big a deal."

"Enough, Sirius, just tell us why you look so smug."

"Well, McGonagall's discussing my options, telling me what an exemplary transfigurations pupil I am-"

"Like that's a surprise."

"And she's going on about how I can pretty much do what I like because I'm amazing at all my subjects-"

"Less boasting, more talking."

"Yeah, and besides, she'd say exactly the same thing about me."

"Fine, fine; I was just recounting the story how it happened! Then she went on for a bit about me being complacent, arrogant -"

"-A trouble-maker who's wasting his talents."

"Got it in one, James – you'd think she'd have made the speech more interesting the hundredth time around. Anyway, I'm sure you can look forward to the same."

"Can't wait. Wish I could be there for Pete and Remus' though; '_you could do so much more if you didn't hang around with those two'_."

"And we wouldn't have it any other way."

"Qu-quite r-right too."

"Anyway, it wasn't all positive. I'm telling her about the sort of stuff I'm interested in – maybe becoming an auror, a curse-breaker or something, maybe helping out in the war – don't look at me like that Pete, we've got to do _something_. So she tells me what NEWTs I'll need to take – nah don't look so worried; that's not the problem, all of them sound piss-easy."

"For you, maybe."

"So I'm about to get up, and she says that _my parents_ have been in touch and were wondering what NEWTs I was planning on doing, what career paths I was considering – they'd even given her some _suggestions_."

"What? I hope you told her what they could do with their suggestions…"

"Believe me, I wanted to. I mean, what were they expecting? 'Mum, dad; up 'til now we've never seen eye-to-eye, but upon hearing your suggestions I realise that I _do_ want to spend my future living off our awful family name.'"

"Y-you'd be very r-rich if you did though."

"Yeah, but wealth doesn't seem to be worth it on the whole when it comes attached to idiotic blood-obsessed psychopaths."

"S-so what did you s-say?"

"I asked her if I could take one more NEWT, on top of the ones we'd already discussed."

"Hang on, you look smug because you're becoming a nauseating geek like Lupin here?"

"Keep up that talk, Potter, and I'll see to it you get a detention."

"Mate, you've been a prefect all year and you've failed miserably at keeping us lot under control."

"I'm just lulling you into a false sense of security."

"Or you secretly love our pranks."

"One of the two."

"Ah well, can't complain; when you don't have a go at me, Evans comes and does it for you."

"…There's got to be something perverse about being _that_ into someone telling you off."

"S-so, Sirius – what did you ask about extra NEWTs for?"

"Well, on top of the others, I'm going to take NEWT Muggle Studies."

"Ha – b-b-brilliant!"

"Your mum's going to murder you."

"She's going to murder us all, probably."

"Yeah, well; I told McGonagall to let them know I'm looking at careers in muggle liaisons, although my back-up plan entails becoming a caretaker like the great man Filch himself."

Astra Tallis snorted into her notes on the benefits and the limitations of using summoning charms. She had not meant to eavesdrop per se, but it could hardly be helped when the boys in question were sitting on the armchairs next to her.

Besides, it was hardly as though she had gone to sit by them – she had been a good fifteen minutes into her work when Sirius Black had sauntered over with an oddly satisfied smile on his face, sitting in one of the armchairs next to her, casually flicking through a Muggle Studies book. For some reason she got the impression that he was going to talk to her, because – really – there were seats elsewhere, next to people from _his_ year.

As such she kept glancing over at him from the corner of her eye, subconsciously taking note of the arch of his cheekbones when he smiled like that. Almost immediately she realised that she was being hopelessly naïve, however, upon the arrival of the rest of his group – he was obviously waiting to tell them what had happened.

But when she'd snorted just then she was almost certain – though not certain enough to inform Alice, who'd probably think she was becoming some sort of mentally-unstable fantasist – that Sirius Black had looked right across at her and given her an amused, slightly lopsided smile before returning to his conversation.

The only response she could manage was widened eyes, a gulp and a quick return to her notes, acting as though nothing had happened. Indeed, she looked exactly as she had done a few minutes ago, and only a close observer would have noted that her lips were now inexplicably curled upwards.


	5. Gryffindor Victorious

They had won. It hadn't been a huge surprise, because even though she'd jerked around uncontrollably on Sirius' broomstick that first practice, the friendly and supportive Gryffindor team had guided her through, and while she still wasn't amazing on the broom, given the opportunity, she could certainly score some goals; and so she had.

And now here they were in the Gryffindor common room, throwing a party that the Prewett twins (who had left school the previous year) would have been proud of – indeed, as it went on the memory of the party seemed to become hazy and blurred, a reflection of the fact that one of the seventh years had spiked the butter beers with some of Ogden's finest. Despite the growing fuzzy quality, however, the euphoria was certainly evident.

With the shining silver cup clasped in his hands, James Potter was loudly reliving the match with anyone who would listen – Remus was good-naturedly nodding along, although he had rolled his eyes more than once so far, while Peter was hanging onto his every word, practically panting.

Alice, meanwhile, had earlier introduced Astra to Frank Longbottom, a strapping bloke from two years above them. When Astra pointed out in confusion that she already knew Frank, Alice – most uncharacteristically – had started to giggle, and now, after the truth had blushingly been revealed, Alice had disappeared into a dark corner with her new boyfriend.

So now Astra was stood alone, biting her lip; her time on the team had given her a newfound confidence for a time, yes, but now she was back on the ground and back to being the shy girl who felt far more comfortable trying to do some work than attempting conversation with tipsy partygoers whom she barely knew. It would have been all right if Alice was with her, but Alice was busy with her new boyfriend, while her other good friends Louisa and Adam appeared to be busy drinking firewhiskey and suddenly Astra felt like a little child lost amongst the grown-ups.

"You all right there, Tallis?"

She was so lost in her thoughts that anyone speaking to her would have made her jump – that it was Sirius Black who had interrupted her reverie was really just bad luck.

He grinned at her clearly-startled features, "Sorry, didn't mean to surprise you."

She nodded, eyes wide, and hated that she couldn't think of anything coherent to say.

He gave her a glance up and down, as though taking her in, before looking her right in the eyes and leaning in slightly, "So, you're the one who was riding my stick, eh? How did you find it? You looked very comfortable on it."

His tone and expression made it clear his words were laced with innuendo, and her eyes were even wider than before as she gulped and then nervously attempted a casual laugh, as though she was totally at ease with the situation.

Black looked very amused by her reaction, a lopsided smirk appearing on his face.

She was about to mumble something sheepishly when she heard someone yell her name.

"Astra! Come on, team photo with the cup!"

It was Milne, who gave Sirius a pointed glare as she dragged Astra away by the arm. Even though they had won, it didn't stop Milne being annoyed with his attitude towards being on the team.

Sirius for his part looked agitated, but this was perhaps more because it served as a reminder that he had not been a part of the winning team. Maybe he was actually annoyed with Astra.

Astra had been annoyed at being pulled away from the boy of her dreams for roughly two seconds before she decided that she had been saved much embarrassment as she had no idea what she could possibly have said in reply to Black's question; a trembling "it was quite all right, thank you" perhaps wouldn't have been the best answer in the situation.

Photographs were taken, toasts were had, and within half an hour Astra Tallis – for the first time in her life – was a little bit tipsy; whether because she was genuinely euphoric at the outcome of the match, or because she wanted desperately not to be left behind by her growing-up friends it was hard to tell. What was clear was that her earlier notion of being lost without Alice, Louisa and Adam was foolish because coming in at the last minute and helping them win the match had suddenly made her one of the most popular members of Gryffindor.

People she'd never even spoken to before smiled at her warmly; patted her on the back and gave her their congratulations. She was having some hilarious banter with the nice but easily aggravated beater Jane Crompton (although, watching herself, the older Astra couldn't help but feel that the entire conversation was more cringe-worthy than hilarious), and offered to go and grab some more butterbeers for herself, Crompton and the new addition to their conversation of keeper, Laurence Dylan.

Unfortunately she was still giggling to herself, which meant that on her way to the table piled with bottles she quite literally bumped into Sirius Black, the impact almost toppling her to the ground only to be caught by his wonderfully strong arms.

At this point she normally would have blushed, thanked him, made an excuse and ran. But Astra Tallis was drunk, and her inhibitions had, sadly, long gone.

"Your eyes", she informed him dreamily as he still held her arms, looking down at her with that laughing grin, "Are like the weather."

He raised his eyebrows, clearly bemused although he did not let go his strong grip on her arms that was making her feel all tingly and warm. "Oh yeah? I'm not sure if that's a compliment, Tallis?"

"It's definitely a compliment", she said with a broad smile in a vague sort of voice, "I think they're lovely."

"Well, that's reassuring then", and his aforementioned eyes were dancing with amusement and full of warm laughter like dappled sunlight across the ocean.

They remained like that for a few seconds, although it had seemed like hours at the time; just standing there, eyes locked together as he held her and she could feel how warm he was and revel in his scent.

"So tell me, did it hurt?" He asked, pulling her in almost imperceptibly so her heart was leaping at an impossibly fast rate and goose bumps spread along her arms.

She decided then that she was going to kiss him tonight, because he had broken up with Nicole a week ago, but more importantly because it was _Sirius Black_ and he had actually noticed her; surely she wasn't going to let the nervous little girl whom she had been hiding behind get in the way when the stuff of her dreams was happening? No, somewhere underneath the shyness she was a Gryffindor, damnit, and she was going to be brave. Plus, of course, she was drunk.

But despite all of this, she frowned, confused, "What, when I tripped over just now?"

He looked put out for a second before a roguish grin filled his face as he leaned in and whispered in her ear, "No; I meant, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"

And perhaps if she had been sober she would have blushed accordingly, or – if she was feeling particularly confident - even giggled coyly. As it was, while the implication was all very flattering, and the way his breath tickled her ear made her heart flutter and her stomach swoop, it didn't stop her genuine reaction from erupting from her and thus she burst into laughter.

"Is—is that supposed to be a chat-up line?" She gasped, laughing like a madwoman.

Sirius nodded, frowning slightly as his looked at her with an odd expression.

"That's terrible" she informed him, still shaking with mirth as she bit down on her lip with a grin curved into her cheeks, mischief twinkling in her eyes.

He had that same strange expression on his face before a slow smile filled his face, as though he were surprised by something. "Yeah, it is", he agreed.

And then he leaned in, as he pulled her closer and their eyes darted furtively to the others' lips and -

A hand squeezed the elder Astra's shoulder and she jumped, having been so engrossed in watching her younger self, and for one wild second she thought it must be Sirius telling her to stop being so nostalgic and that her time would be far better spent snogging him in the present.

But it was a different voice - a tired but familiar one - that said, "I think that's probably enough for now, don't you?"

Astra looked up into the sad eyes of Remus Lupin and nodded slowly, grateful as he pulled them out of the memory.

She had been watching it all so intently that it was only when Remus pointedly looked away now, back in the grey room that in itself had seemed like a distant memory, that she realised that warm tears were streaming from her eyes. So much for denial.


	6. Moony and Black

"It's not true, is it? Say it's not true."

Astra's hoarse voice and shining, wide eyes made it quite clear that she was begging Remus Lupin, because perhaps this wasn't denial of Sirius' death – perhaps he was actually alive, and this was all some bizarre stunt he had pulled off. Stranger things had happened where Sirus Black was concerned.

If it had been anyone else, they might have looked at her pityingly, but Lupin understood her sentiments entirely, and he squeezed her shoulder again as he bit his lip awkwardly.

"I'm sorry", was all he could manage.

She gulped and got out of her chair leading him wordlessly to the front room where they slumped down next to one another on the sofa, and her head found his shoulder – eye contact somehow seemed too much.

"How'd it happen?" She asked in a glum whisper.

There was a long pause, before his head leant down slightly on hers, his arm wrapped around her shoulder and she realised he was trembling.

"Bellatrix", he spat softly.

Astra nodded, taking in a slow breath through her teeth as her hatred for that woman threatened to rise up her throat bile-like; Bellatrix Lestrange had been responsible for plenty more of Astra's sufferings. She said nothing, however, instead beginning to tremble, because neither of them had the strength to pretend to be strong for one other – there was no point in hiding it or denying it, because Sirius Black's death had broken them both a little bit.

"And his-", she gulped, feeling a bit nauseous at the thought that had just popped into her head, "His body?"

Lupin's body seemed to tense slightly, as he replied, "It—it's gone. We were in the department of mysteries; I would assume that it was a room where they examine the process of d-death. There was a veil, and he fell through it and-", he swallowed as he began to shake again, and he could not finish his sentence.

"He went because Harry was there?" She knew that Sirius had wanted his freedom badly, and death probably hadn't been on his mind just yet but if he'd _had _to go, then she felt certain he'd have wanted to go protecting James Potter's son.

She gently raised her head from Lupin's shoulder to meet his haunted gaze, and he just nodded slowly.

Another day he would tell her in detail what had happened – how Sirius had died laughing, how Harry had run after Bellatrix aiming to kill, to cause pain like he felt. For now though they sat there, tears dribbling from their eyes in an almost resigned fashion, although every now and then she would let out violent sobs while Remus sat quietly.

Perhaps it was because she knew that Sirius had died for James' son, because it had been Bellatrix, or because Remus was all alone; whatever it was, she was suddenly reminded of another day, which had ended so similarly to the way this one had started…

_It was the day after Halloween, and the world was in awe of little Harry Potter, who had somehow defeated You Know Who – Astra wasn't sure of the details, as her shift had started early that morning, but through the champagne bottles floating around the busier-than-ever wards, the somewhat mournful toasts in hushed reverence, and the general excited buzz she had more or less gathered what had happened to poor Lily and James Potter._

_She was very upset to hear about the deaths of two people who had been so kind and loving – sad for the boy who would never know his parents. __But even so, she could hardly imagine how horrendous Sirius must be feeling – his best friend, his brother - gone. He was Harry's godfather though, and would not take the role of guardian lightly - Astra presumed that once he had drunk himself into a stupor, he might start looking into taking-in Harry._

_She assumed he was doing something like that at any rate; he had seemed distant when she'd seen him last night, and had gone out mid-evening saying he had some Order work to check-up on - however he'd found out about the Potters could not have been easy for him._

_There was no time now to find him and see how he was doing though; St. Mungo's was heaving with people, and there were a lot of patients to treat._

_It was in the afternoon after a very hectic, surreal morning that she bumped into Augusta Longbottom – Frank's mum – in the corridor, holding baby Neville who was howling in her arms as she bounced him distractedly, her face pale and drawn._

_Astra would normally have been delighted to see her lovely godson but Augusta's expression made it clear that something wasn't right, and Astra walked slowly into the ward that Augusta had shakily nodded towards._

_As soon as she stepped inside Alice's screams pierced her, while Frank - who had already been sedated - was lying on the white-sheeted bed with vacant eyes. He looked strangely small. _

_A mediwitch whom Astra did not know touched her arm gently, and told her in a reassuring voice that Bellatrix Lestrange and her cohorts had been caught and would go to Azkaban for this._

_At that point the kind of reassurance she wanted was different though – she didn't _care_ what happened to the Lestranges as long as the Longbottoms would be okay. Astra looked over at the grey-haired Healer Moffat, who just shook his head resignedly, and suddenly she felt like screaming – shrieking like the now forever-tortured Alice, bawling like little Neville because there was nothing that could be done; the innocent round-faced girl who had been her best friend was worse than dead to them._

_They would not recognise her now – worse still, they would not recognise their parents and their own son._

_But Astra Tallis just nodded and swallowed, walking out of the room – luckily Augusta was busy shouting at a trainee healer so she didn't have to face her just yet - she couldn't face her just yet. She got on with her work as though it were a completely normal day, because she assured herself there would be a time for mourning later – there were people who could be saved still, and she couldn't just forego them because of her own losses._

_And when people began to murmur around her as the afternoon progressed, and she heard phrases like "Sirius Black" and "broad daylight", she didn't really think much of it because it wasn't really a surprise if Sirius was making a mess of himself after the horrors of last night - alcohol was his solution to everything._

_But then her friend and fellow healer Dan Colfer nervously confronted her with a copy of _The Evening Prophet_, which had been published early in today's heady rush of breaking news and there was a very handsome grey-eyed face on the front page, laughing, but there were words like "murderer" and "Azkaban" below his picture and paragraphs about how Peter Pettigrew was dead along with some innocent muggles, and she didn't understand it one bit._

_"No", was all she said, shaking her head and backing away as Dan looked at her sympathetically._

_The events of the day were suddenly weighing down on her, and she was torn between collapsing and giving up and marching out of the hospital and forcing someone to explain what the hell was going on. The war was supposed to be bloody over!_

_Tragedy had struck Astra harshly before though, and she refused to just sit around feeling sorry for herself. She made her excuses and left work early with the intention of going to Dumbledore, or the Ministry - but then it occurred to her that there was someone else was suffering more than she was; someone who had lost everything in the past 24 hours, and it was as such that she found herself knocking on the door of Remus Lupin's current address. _

_Moping around by herself would have been ridiculous, pointless, careless, but she could allow herself the indulgence of mourning with someone going through something similar to her - worse than her, in fact. It would serve as a reminder that she ought to appreciate what she had going for her._

_It was true that Remus often looked tired and ill - it was a part of his condition - but when he opened the door that day he looked frail, dejected, and his blue eyes were hollow._

_For a long time little was said, because they were both so full of the horrors, the disbelief about what had happened. The idea that the first three people who had accepted Remus so fully and unconditionally - his brothers - were lost to him forever seemed impossible, and Astra was still struggling to understand just what had happened. She understood that Sirius would have been upset about Lily and James, but why did he become homicidal and take it out on muggles and one of his oldest friends?_

_That was until Lupin explained to her in a grave voice the true awfulness of Black's crimes - Remus kept on calling him "Black", monotonously, unable to face-up to the idea that it had been his best friend Sirius, or even 'Padfoot' (at the time Astra wasn't really sure why they called each other those names - well, aside from 'Moony'). Lupin told her that as well as murdering poor Peter, Black had been Prongs' secret-keeper, his sole protector, and he had betrayed his best friend and his family to Voldemort; had been willing to kill another close friend and a group of muggles seemingly for fun and had laughed about it all. _

_It couldn't be true - it couldn't be_ their_ Sirius; but at the same time she saw that it had to be, and together they wondered bitterly just how much of Sirius's life with them had been a lie._

_"We knew there was a spy", admitted Remus, agitatedly, "But I never thought for a _second_..."_

_"Well, of course you didn't!" Astra told him, placatingly, "He was James' best friend - I mean, he must have just been playing a part with us all for years." Her own words made her feel all cold and wrong inside - had it really all been a game to him?_

_"That's what I don't understand though", Lupin replied, running a hand through his hair and tapping his foot restlessly, "He'd always been one of us! Surely you don't just wake up one day and decide to betray your best friends to the enemy who you've always professed to hate? He always stood up for what he believed in, and I thought he was...I thought he was too brave to get involved with the Death Eaters." His voice cracked slightly as he spoke, disclosing the hurt beneath all his anger._

_"I suppose...", she began, uncertainly, "I suppose he might have had to join them after Regulus died? They could have threatened him with something and _forced_ him to join?"_

_"It...it's possible", Remus agreed, slowly, "But I always thought...well, the Sirius I knew would rather have died than betray his friends. But what Black did..." He growled, and said no more._

_Astra nodded angrily as tears formed in her eyes at Lupin's cold, detached words, "I knew he could be an idiot, but I never thought he'd turn out to be such a _bastard_."_

_Lupin sighed, leaning his head back on the wall behind them before eventually replying, dejectedly, "It would seem that none of us really knew him at all."_

_They spent the rest of that evening in a similar position to that morning years later, slumped on a sofa with tears drying slowly on their cheeks as they remained in each other's arms, confused, shell-shocked and broken._


End file.
